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In her most affirming and life-changing book yet, Dr. Harriet Lerner teaches us how to restore love and connection with the people who matter the most. In The Dance of Connection we learn what to say (and not say) when:
- We need an apology, and the person who has harmed us won't apologize or be accountable.
- We don't know how to take a conversation to the next level when we feel desperate.
- We feel worn down by the other person's criticism, negativity, or irresponsible behavior.
- We have been rejected or cut off, and the other person won't show up for the conversation.
- We are struggling with staying or leaving, and we don't know our "bottom line."
- We are convinced that we've tried everything -- and nothing changes.
Filled with compelling personal stories and case examples, Lerner outlines bold new "voice lessons" that show us how to speak with honor and personal integrity, even when the other person behaves badly.
Whether we're dealing with a partner, parent, sister, or best friend, The Dance of Connection teaches us how to navigate our most important relationships with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction.
- Sales Rank: #25117 in Books
- Color: White
- Brand: Lerner, Harriet Goldhor
- Published on: 2002-08-06
- Released on: 2002-08-06
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .61" w x 5.31" l, .43 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 272 pages
From Publishers Weekly
Psychotherapist and bestselling author Lerner has been teaching readers how to "dance" with difficult relationship issues throughout the past decade, and remains one of the most helpful writers on the topic. With her familiar mix of conversational language and profound empathy for people (primarily women) who are struggling with the most important relationships in their lives, she now tackles the verbal challenges of life's most painful conversations. Far from trite "communication skills" or "assertiveness training," her book offers lucid and concrete guidance on how to speak out in a wide variety of problem situations (e.g., when a wife suspects her husband is having an affair with a co-worker, or when friends jeopardize their relationship by becoming roommates). Lerner moves smoothly through the common obstacles to understanding how we feel, how we want to express ourselves and what we want to accomplish by talking about our feelings. Recognizing that "your brain will turn to mush" when trying to explain yourself in an emotional state, she offers practical advice on sharing vulnerability; voicing concerns, complaints or requests; apologizing; listening and setting limits on how much one is willing to listen to others' complaints and negativity. Accepting that we can never guarantee that others will hear us or respond as we'd like, Lerner focuses on the authentic expression of self, "maximiz[ing] the chance of being heard" and keeping the connection open, despite complex emotions, misunderstandings and silences. (Sept. 1)Forecast: The popularity of The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy, The Dance of Deception and The Mother Dance virtually assures an eager audience for Lerner's new work. She has recently added children's books to her repertoire (Franny B. Kranny, There's a Bird in Your Hair, PW, May 21), which may expand her readership even further.
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
From a famed psychologist, author of the best-selling The Dance of Anger: how to talk when the talking is tough.
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
"Lerner's mass appeal results in.accessible and well-organized work that.belongs in all libraries Highly recommended." (Library Journal )
"I love Hariet Lerner's work." (-Anne Lamott, author of Traveling Mercies )
Most helpful customer reviews
183 of 187 people found the following review helpful.
Lighten Up, Reach Out in New Ways and Be True to Yourself!
By Donald Mitchell
In a moment when we feel safe, loved, comfortable, and relaxed, most people can communicate quite well and strengthen relationships. Catch us off guard with a terrible blow from someone close, and our knees may jerk so hard that they hit us in the jaw. We may say and do things that damage or destroy relationships. What can we do instead of these harmful reactions? How can we repair things once the damage has been done?
While many authors have written fine books about building and maintaining good and deteriorating relationships, this book has taken on all of the tough issues as its focus. You think your spouse is cheating with someone else. Your child won't speak to you. Your husband has taken liberties with your daughter. Your best friend says she or he never wants to see you again. There's a terrible family crisis and the other person cuts you off.
Dr. Lerner draws on her personal experiences as well as case histories from her practice as a psychotherapist to give you answers. In doing so, she doesn't promise solutions will follow. But you can be sure that you will have done a great deal to try to help the situation.
The book starts with the contrast of adult behavior to how children behave. Two children become angry in a sandbox, but five minutes later are quietly playing together again. "They choose happiness over righteousness." Adults usually do the opposite.
The essence of the book is to encourage you to figure out what you need to have from a relationship, and to communicate those needs, while finding out the same from the other person. In that simple statement, the book's concept is very much like the better negotiating books (such as Getting to Yes). Naturally, this advice is a lot harder to follow when your most intimate and closest relationships are involved. So you need someone to talk it over with. You can also use this book as a source of coaching for most of the tough personal situations you may find yourself in. While reading this book, you will get more from it if you keep an open mind about the specifics of the advice being presented.
The overriding point Dr. Lerner is making is that the other person may be in the wrong, but if you make him or her feel unhappy all of the time about it, you may lose the relationship. If the relationship is important to you, you may win the battle and lose the war.
There is a lot of judgmental advice in here about when to be silent, when to speak, and how much to say and in what ways. In different families and with different cultures, these rules will be quite different and Dr. Lerner makes that point explicit. You have to decide how you want to respond. That's what's important.
Although this book will seem like a natural to many women, I think most men will benefit as well. The examples go from the perspectives of both sexes, and men will get many valuable ideas for constructive ways to deal with conflict and issues. In my case, I find myself spending a lot of time listening to other people unburden themselves. Sometimes, this gets to be more than I am comfortable with. The book provided me with some valuable ideas for drawing limits to how many times I have to listen to the same complaint while still expressing my desire to support and be there for the other person.
I thought that the best parts of the book were the concepts of asking questions to find out more about what and why the other person is feelings the way she or he is, and providing the kinds of support that will make others realize that we care about them. Both are enriching and rewarding things to do.
Knowing that some people have trouble apologizing, I thought that the book was realistic to point out that in some relationships you are not going to get apologies. You should face up to that and decide how you feel about it.
After you finish reading and thinking about this excellent book, I hope you will drop a note, call, talk to, or give a hug to each person you care about in the next 24 hours. If you find that rewarding, pick a regular day in your schedule to repeat the process. As many people report, sometimes the best way to get more love . . . is to give more first!
Find the silver lining, even during the storms of your relationships, by learning how to become closer and more in tune!
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Couldn't Pick It Up
By SD
I couldn't get through it. I read about 50 pages and it annoyed me way too much about how she talked about her personal life. I normally like when authors talk about their personal experience but she didn't bring in enough about other people. Her thought process is flawed. It's a very self centered method of connecting with others which will not really connect you with others. Connecting with others is about them, not you. Maybe if I read it further I wouldn't think this way, but I just thought my reading time would be spent better with other books.
Product came in a timely manner and was as it described.
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful.
I loved this
By Jennifer Saunders
What I love about Harriet Lerner's books is that you really feel as if she has been there too. One doesn't get a sense of psychologist/therapist superiority which I find infuriating. This book is very practical and sensible - so many books with this sort of title might tell you about starting senses with "I" - you know "I feel bad when you do....." which is all very well but what about when you just lose it?? Harriet's books cut that crap and tell you how to deal with how YOU"RE feeling, not how the listener will. One of the most valuable tips I have learned anywhere was from this book. She says that one of the reasons we don't confront our mothers or older sisters or whoever is being vile to us is not to save ourselves getting upset (which is always my official excuse) but to save THEM getting upset. Enablers to the death. We feel responsible for hurting other people - shame they never do! That was real enlightenment! I'm on new book alert for Harriet Lerner!
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